Ok so let me start with I do not know why I am posting here, this has been an ongoing problem and I genuinely don't know why tonight has tipped me over the edge. I just feel I need to rant, to putmy feelings into words or they would never come out.
Let me preface, I have tried to commit suicide twice, once about 8 years ago in university because the stress and the overwhelming poverty just dragged me down and once about 4 years ago, but I have considered seeing myself off nearly daily. I just feel alone on a daily basis. And when I look at my life I have no-one I would consider a good friend, I have people that occasionally want to see me, but everyone's life would be the same without me in it.
When I was in Uni my grants got rejected so I ended up with the absolute minimum loan which meant I could afford Halls and £40 a month for food, that did not help. I relied on handouts and Freebies for about 18 months. Then My granddad Died, and I dropped out of university to move in with my nan so she wouldn't be alone. I took up the first job available, which I hated, the boss put me down nearly daily and I was made to feel like an outsider in a business that was mainly run by one family.
In about 2014 I found out the girl I was seeing at the time was pregnant, and then 2 days later lost my job. I later found out that the baby was not mine, which nearly saw me off. I hated it, I hated myself for trusting her. I have never tried to get involved with anyone since. I then fell into drink pretty hard, I drank 6-7 days a week and took my anger out on those closest to me, like my grandmother and my sister. It was then I tried to kill myself. My nan had some serious painkillers on prescription from her multiple health problems, and I saw off a pack in about 5 mins, I had a fit, but nothing else happened, noone really noticed.
I got a new job after 10 months of unemployment, at which point my physical health had taken a nosedive, I had gained about 7 stone and started smoking as a form of stress relief. I had started at one of the biggest pub company in the UK, and it was genuinely awful, the hours and abuse were intolerable, I was constantly lambasted by regulars and staff about my ballooning weight and working in a pub did not help the drinking problem, I would finish shifts and go straight onto the piss. I remember once I had been given my rota and they had given me 7 hours total for a week and at the time I was averaging 45, I remember just breaking down in tears wondering how I was going to live on 7 hours a week. I wold regularly come home from this job and just cry, I couldn't explain why, maybe everything at the time was just too overbearing. It was around this time that I had a fall out with my mother after she accused my sister of stealing from her, in this exchange my mother genuinely told me she wish she had drowned me at birth and that I was her biggest disappointment. We haven't spoken since.
I was sacked from that job for “ not showing the same enthusiasm as the rest of the staff” then entered another 6 months of what my family described as “letting myself go”, I was like an endangered animal at the zoo, they would walk into my room and just stare at me, wondering what I was going to do next, but like lions in the zoo I just lay there, occasionally lifting my head, no motivation to do anything, I just wanted to not be around anymore. 7 months later I got a job in an independent restaurant as a barman, which as the owner said “ was not the role I should be in because I'm not good looking enough”. I hated having to go back into a hospitality role, especially this one, my boss was an alcoholic who would spend most of his shifts in the pub over the road, and leave me to run a restaurant on my own. In the end the restaurant went bust and I was again left jobless. The owner refused to pay us for the months work we had done and then escaped back to Poland.
Another 6 months of job searching, going to interviews and being told I was just not a good fit for the company, 780 jobs applied for,12 replies. I spoke to my employment advisor and he said I was doing fine. So naturally I started drinking heavier, then my Nan had a heart attack, and we found out she required surgery, which she had, and I looked after her in her recovery, till I broke my ankle, which she said was my fault and that I'd done it on purpose and was very close to kicking me out the house. In the end she recovered and apologised, but our relationship as never been the same since, even though I love her and still live with her ( after two more surgeries). Thankfully about 7 months ago I was thrown a bone with some contract work through an old acquaintance, this was the best job I ever had, I traveled the UK and abroad. I met some genuinely nice people. But each and every night I would go back to my hotel room, sit and stare at a wall and just feel sad, like something about me was incapable of feeling joy. The contract ended everyone parted ways, there was a big get together with the group of workers, I didnt get an invite, everyone else went. And for the past couple of weeks all I've done is drink, go home, stare at blank space and ponder which direction my life is heading. I have seen friends get married, have kids, start familys, blossom new relationships, get fantastic new jobs, everything I do just seems stale atm. I genuinely have no idea what to do now, which brings me to tonight, I was sat with my “friends” being pretty quiet, I have always been quite reserved, I went for a smoke and in earshot I heard a girl who had been sat with us describe me as disgusting and fat. I just didnt know what to do, I've been home for hours now just thinking about my life and whats going to happen. And I genuinely cannnot see a positive outlook, what do I do? Do I even have any right to feel sad? There are people a lot worse of then I am. If you've made it this far sorry for the rant.
