Well, Monday I moved into my new place. It's far far from ideal but it is what it is. I went to drop off my little girl back at her mum's.
Due to her utter resentment for me we ended up having an argument. Nothing I done, I just asked her if I could leave some of my stuff in the house as i have limited space here. (She said no as she wants all my stuff gone. No idea where I'm gonna put it all)
Also, she has started going back on small things she said. Daft stuff like me using the Amazon prime account so I can watch films and that. No big deal at all but it all led to her going on about how I'm still trying to live off her and all that rubbish. So not true. I'm out on my own journey now.
I can deal with that, what I can't handle is now she is saying that I'm an embarrassment and I should be ashamed of my situation. She is also saying she is ashamed she was with me.
She said all her mates now know about my issues and how it's embarrassing etc.
She said there's nothing wrong with me, no one has depression for so long. Basically she is going out of her way to try and kick me hard when I'm down. Plus telling me how ashamed she is that she was with me (she wasn't ashamed a few month ago during sex etc!)
She herself has seen me at my worst. She has lived it with me. Now she is saying I've been fine all along.
She even has gone as far to start suggesting that I'm not a good dad, she threatened me with not seeing the baby which is so low of her.
It triggered a pretty large crying session in the car. I couldn't help it, being told that someone is embarrassed they were ever with me for 9 years and now knowing that she is telling her one sided tales to all sorts of people and I'm now a laughing stock hurt me.
It all sounds so daft and it's all very long story but all of this, the split, having to leave with nothing and with no money or job has been very stressful this past month.
Now the day I move forward (albeit not where I want to start) she starts on me. I just don't want to see her and deal with the face pulling and bitchy little put downs every time I pick up/drop.off the little one.
It's made me.question whether I should just walk away from both of them. I know the way she is going that it won't be long till she starts messing me around about seeing my daughter.
Basically, my issues with my appearance, subsequent depression and being too scared to fix anything has led to all this. I know it's my fault and I accept it, but she is going out of her way to make me suffer shame.
I love women. I love being with someone but it's getting to the point where I can't ever see myself being with anyone ever again. I just worry I'll mess it up again or someone will just start to treat me like garbage.
I could go on and on, I've felt awful this past month but had to force myself to move forward, move back to North Wales to be near my daughter with no friends and no family here. I'm doing it for her, I literally cried as I forced myself to sort stuff out. I just wanted to curl up and sleep.
Now I'm back feeling like crap, feeling ashamed and now have the weight of all these people shes been telling tales about me too.
I know it sounds petty compared to other people's issues, I'm just so low on self confidence and have zero self worth, all of this is keeping me down. In my place!
Sorry to rant. I know I'm pathetic.
This is a normal reaction of somebody who is themselves unhappy. If you can put yourself in your ex's shoes for a moment, she will be suffering too. Her life has also been turned upside down. So, to convince herself that she's made the right decision she has decided to view you as a person with no redeeming qualities and to externalize (My American spell checker keeps putting a z where there should be an s) her pain onto you. But know this... She does not get to decide who you are, you do. My ex tried all this stuff with me and it worked for a long time, until I realized what she was doing. It's not a mature or healthy way to deal with problems.
Don't walk away from your little girl, she needs you. But make it clear to your ex that there is nothing to be gained from talking to you like you don't matter, especially in front of your daughter. Aside from your feelings, it's a terrible example. Keep it civil, if she starts angling for a fight don't take the bait. A good technique is this: Tell her what she did (spoke to you like crap), how it makes you feel (depressed, anxious etc) and what you expect (that she speaks to you with respect).
About the only two things you can't change in this situation are the past and what other people think of you, so don't try. The past is just a story we tell ourselves for how we react in the present. That is the only power it has over us. You know that you have suffered from depression and how that has effected your life, you also know that you are taking positive steps to change yourself for the better. Give yourself credit for that. Those people she says are laughing at you? They only have her side of the story and what does it matter? What kind of person laughs at a man going through a hard time?
You are doing great. There will be hard times but you can get through this. Look at where you are now compared to where you were a few weeks ago.
Practical stuff: Your possessions, if there's anything that is really important, get that and keep it with you or store it with your mother, maybe? The rest? It's only stuff, screw it. Sell it or give it away or let her deal with it. When we broke up, my ex was very aggressive in saying she chose all the stuff in the house to make it look nice and I didn't care. I cared enough to pay for it all, but I didn't want it. It was just stuff. I left with my clothes, my books, my records and my bikes. That was it. And I was much happier.
Anything else she's going back on, get what you originally agreed in writing. Even if its a text or whatsapp. Then hold her to it. Same goes for you, don't agree to anything that doesn't work for you by text or e-mail. You're going to have to be a little hard-nosed about this.
Keep going, you're doing great.