Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[COYBL25]

This is a normal reaction of somebody who is themselves unhappy. If you can put yourself in your ex's shoes for a moment, she will be suffering too. Her life has also been turned upside down. So, to convince herself that she's made the right decision she has decided to view you as a person with no redeeming qualities and to externalize (My American spell checker keeps putting a z where there should be an s) her pain onto you. But know this... She does not get to decide who you are, you do. My ex tried all this stuff with me and it worked for a long time, until I realized what she was doing. It's not a mature or healthy way to deal with problems.

Don't walk away from your little girl, she needs you. But make it clear to your ex that there is nothing to be gained from talking to you like you don't matter, especially in front of your daughter. Aside from your feelings, it's a terrible example. Keep it civil, if she starts angling for a fight don't take the bait. A good technique is this: Tell her what she did (spoke to you like crap), how it makes you feel (depressed, anxious etc) and what you expect (that she speaks to you with respect).

About the only two things you can't change in this situation are the past and what other people think of you, so don't try. The past is just a story we tell ourselves for how we react in the present. That is the only power it has over us. You know that you have suffered from depression and how that has effected your life, you also know that you are taking positive steps to change yourself for the better. Give yourself credit for that. Those people she says are laughing at you? They only have her side of the story and what does it matter? What kind of person laughs at a man going through a hard time?

You are doing great. There will be hard times but you can get through this. Look at where you are now compared to where you were a few weeks ago.

Practical stuff: Your possessions, if there's anything that is really important, get that and keep it with you or store it with your mother, maybe? The rest? It's only stuff, screw it. Sell it or give it away or let her deal with it. When we broke up, my ex was very aggressive in saying she chose all the stuff in the house to make it look nice and I didn't care. I cared enough to pay for it all, but I didn't want it. It was just stuff. I left with my clothes, my books, my records and my bikes. That was it. And I was much happier.


Anything else she's going back on, get what you originally agreed in writing. Even if its a text or whatsapp. Then hold her to it. Same goes for you, don't agree to anything that doesn't work for you by text or e-mail. You're going to have to be a little hard-nosed about this.

Keep going, you're doing great.

Great post mate.

 

[COYBL25]

Well, Monday I moved into my new place. It's far far from ideal but it is what it is. I went to drop off my little girl back at her mum's.

Due to her utter resentment for me we ended up having an argument. Nothing I done, I just asked her if I could leave some of my stuff in the house as i have limited space here. (She said no as she wants all my stuff gone. No idea where I'm gonna put it all)

Also, she has started going back on small things she said. Daft stuff like me using the Amazon prime account so I can watch films and that. No big deal at all but it all led to her going on about how I'm still trying to live off her and all that rubbish. So not true. I'm out on my own journey now.

I can deal with that, what I can't handle is now she is saying that I'm an embarrassment and I should be ashamed of my situation. She is also saying she is ashamed she was with me.

She said all her mates now know about my issues and how it's embarrassing etc.

She said there's nothing wrong with me, no one has depression for so long. Basically she is going out of her way to try and kick me hard when I'm down. Plus telling me how ashamed she is that she was with me (she wasn't ashamed a few month ago during sex etc!)

She herself has seen me at my worst. She has lived it with me. Now she is saying I've been fine all along.

She even has gone as far to start suggesting that I'm not a good dad, she threatened me with not seeing the baby which is so low of her.

It triggered a pretty large crying session in the car. I couldn't help it, being told that someone is embarrassed they were ever with me for 9 years and now knowing that she is telling her one sided tales to all sorts of people and I'm now a laughing stock hurt me.

It all sounds so daft and it's all very long story but all of this, the split, having to leave with nothing and with no money or job has been very stressful this past month.

Now the day I move forward (albeit not where I want to start) she starts on me. I just don't want to see her and deal with the face pulling and bitchy little put downs every time I pick up/drop.off the little one.

It's made me.question whether I should just walk away from both of them. I know the way she is going that it won't be long till she starts messing me around about seeing my daughter.

Basically, my issues with my appearance, subsequent depression and being too scared to fix anything has led to all this. I know it's my fault and I accept it, but she is going out of her way to make me suffer shame.

I love women. I love being with someone but it's getting to the point where I can't ever see myself being with anyone ever again. I just worry I'll mess it up again or someone will just start to treat me like garbage.

I could go on and on, I've felt awful this past month but had to force myself to move forward, move back to North Wales to be near my daughter with no friends and no family here. I'm doing it for her, I literally cried as I forced myself to sort stuff out. I just wanted to curl up and sleep.

Now I'm back feeling like crap, feeling ashamed and now have the weight of all these people shes been telling tales about me too.

I know it sounds petty compared to other people's issues, I'm just so low on self confidence and have zero self worth, all of this is keeping me down. In my place!

Sorry to rant. I know I'm pathetic.

You know what mate, I`d bet that most people over the age of forty knows someone who`s been treated like this or is still being treated like this by an ex partner.

It`s all about her own insecurities and her still being able to control you by constantly putting you down.

The fact that you`re getting your head together and moving on, means less control over you.

She`s the problem not you mate and never ever forget that.

 

[Tipp blue]

Well, Monday I moved into my new place. It's far far from ideal but it is what it is. I went to drop off my little girl back at her mum's.

Due to her utter resentment for me we ended up having an argument. Nothing I done, I just asked her if I could leave some of my stuff in the house as i have limited space here. (She said no as she wants all my stuff gone. No idea where I'm gonna put it all)

Also, she has started going back on small things she said. Daft stuff like me using the Amazon prime account so I can watch films and that. No big deal at all but it all led to her going on about how I'm still trying to live off her and all that rubbish. So not true. I'm out on my own journey now.

I can deal with that, what I can't handle is now she is saying that I'm an embarrassment and I should be ashamed of my situation. She is also saying she is ashamed she was with me.

She said all her mates now know about my issues and how it's embarrassing etc.

She said there's nothing wrong with me, no one has depression for so long. Basically she is going out of her way to try and kick me hard when I'm down. Plus telling me how ashamed she is that she was with me (she wasn't ashamed a few month ago during sex etc!)

She herself has seen me at my worst. She has lived it with me. Now she is saying I've been fine all along.

She even has gone as far to start suggesting that I'm not a good dad, she threatened me with not seeing the baby which is so low of her.

It triggered a pretty large crying session in the car. I couldn't help it, being told that someone is embarrassed they were ever with me for 9 years and now knowing that she is telling her one sided tales to all sorts of people and I'm now a laughing stock hurt me.

It all sounds so daft and it's all very long story but all of this, the split, having to leave with nothing and with no money or job has been very stressful this past month.

Now the day I move forward (albeit not where I want to start) she starts on me. I just don't want to see her and deal with the face pulling and bitchy little put downs every time I pick up/drop.off the little one.

It's made me.question whether I should just walk away from both of them. I know the way she is going that it won't be long till she starts messing me around about seeing my daughter.

Basically, my issues with my appearance, subsequent depression and being too scared to fix anything has led to all this. I know it's my fault and I accept it, but she is going out of her way to make me suffer shame.

I love women. I love being with someone but it's getting to the point where I can't ever see myself being with anyone ever again. I just worry I'll mess it up again or someone will just start to treat me like garbage.

I could go on and on, I've felt awful this past month but had to force myself to move forward, move back to North Wales to be near my daughter with no friends and no family here. I'm doing it for her, I literally cried as I forced myself to sort stuff out. I just wanted to curl up and sleep.

Now I'm back feeling like crap, feeling ashamed and now have the weight of all these people shes been telling tales about me too.

I know it sounds petty compared to other people's issues, I'm just so low on self confidence and have zero self worth, all of this is keeping me down. In my place!

Sorry to rant. I know I'm pathetic.

You need to keep a note of everything shes said to you get a journal and just jot it down and keep doing this, don't make things up just be honest in it, if she starts messing with visiting your daughter make notes of this too, under no circumstances tell her you don't want anything to do with either of them thats the best way of never seeing your daughter again and easy ammunition for your ex to turn your daughter against you altogether. Theres a chance this could end up in courts and you'll need to efficiently remember all the things shes done or said, My parents went through this my mother kept records and my father didn't and he was made an absolute show of in court, even though they were equally horrible to each other during the split.. I was old enough at the time to see it was 50-50 but my brother and sister weren't and now rarely talk to my father. My dad slept in his car for a few weeks before he got settled down that's almost 20 years ago now and they've seen each other 3 times since at my wedding and the baptisms of my 2 lads they greeted each other and then just got on with it almost like strangers, they both now own their own houses and life continues. you are not the first person to have this happen and you wont be the last, the best advice i can give you is to act like a responsible adult don't try and put her down with comments and remarks they'll come back to bite you and if she's commenting on you keep a record, and keep in contact with your daughter.

 

[Deleted member 28206]

@MrD Again your situation mirrored mine. These things such as the Amazon Prime thing are the just part of the separation, some may seem petty and sometimes even seem wicked. Just try and prepare yourself for what may seem like pettiness for the foreseeable future, even stuff like the amount of time you have your daughter for will be used against you. Seems like the babys mum is trying to undermine you already, don't let her and if you can get some formal (CSA) etc, in to make sure you are not hung out to dry, she shouldn't be against it since its the babies interests.

It will be very very hard, and emotional but you'll come out the other side wiser and a little less easy to upset. Don't get me wrong, you'll still feel it -- but you'll see the mindgames a mile off

 

[YoboCopter]

An upset woman is a nasty woman.. period

In my experience anyway,ive never been as “deep” in to relationship as that but i dont judge in the immediate aftermatch..

There like a wounded animal, and best to give it time and should get better

 

[YoboCopter]

Ps thats not intended as sexist in anyway^ just that ive never been in a relationship with anyone other than a woman lol

 

[Grinch]

Well, Monday I moved into my new place. It's far far from ideal but it is what it is. I went to drop off my little girl back at her mum's.

Due to her utter resentment for me we ended up having an argument. Nothing I done, I just asked her if I could leave some of my stuff in the house as i have limited space here. (She said no as she wants all my stuff gone. No idea where I'm gonna put it all)

Also, she has started going back on small things she said. Daft stuff like me using the Amazon prime account so I can watch films and that. No big deal at all but it all led to her going on about how I'm still trying to live off her and all that rubbish. So not true. I'm out on my own journey now.

I can deal with that, what I can't handle is now she is saying that I'm an embarrassment and I should be ashamed of my situation. She is also saying she is ashamed she was with me.

She said all her mates now know about my issues and how it's embarrassing etc.

She said there's nothing wrong with me, no one has depression for so long. Basically she is going out of her way to try and kick me hard when I'm down. Plus telling me how ashamed she is that she was with me (she wasn't ashamed a few month ago during sex etc!)

She herself has seen me at my worst. She has lived it with me. Now she is saying I've been fine all along.

She even has gone as far to start suggesting that I'm not a good dad, she threatened me with not seeing the baby which is so low of her.

It triggered a pretty large crying session in the car. I couldn't help it, being told that someone is embarrassed they were ever with me for 9 years and now knowing that she is telling her one sided tales to all sorts of people and I'm now a laughing stock hurt me.

It all sounds so daft and it's all very long story but all of this, the split, having to leave with nothing and with no money or job has been very stressful this past month.

Now the day I move forward (albeit not where I want to start) she starts on me. I just don't want to see her and deal with the face pulling and bitchy little put downs every time I pick up/drop.off the little one.

It's made me.question whether I should just walk away from both of them. I know the way she is going that it won't be long till she starts messing me around about seeing my daughter.

Basically, my issues with my appearance, subsequent depression and being too scared to fix anything has led to all this. I know it's my fault and I accept it, but she is going out of her way to make me suffer shame.

I love women. I love being with someone but it's getting to the point where I can't ever see myself being with anyone ever again. I just worry I'll mess it up again or someone will just start to treat me like garbage.

I could go on and on, I've felt awful this past month but had to force myself to move forward, move back to North Wales to be near my daughter with no friends and no family here. I'm doing it for her, I literally cried as I forced myself to sort stuff out. I just wanted to curl up and sleep.

Now I'm back feeling like crap, feeling ashamed and now have the weight of all these people shes been telling tales about me too.

I know it sounds petty compared to other people's issues, I'm just so low on self confidence and have zero self worth, all of this is keeping me down. In my place!

Sorry to rant. I know I'm pathetic.

Im sorry to here this MrD. As some people mentioned, maybe keep a note of all the stuff she says. I personally wouldn't harp on it to much though but you would be able to bring that to the counselor if you are still seeing him/her. Like all of us mentioned many times, lets keep that positive vibe up and going. Moving in to the house is a huge deal and maybe chit chat with you mom about storing some of your stuff there. You are doing better than it may seem. Baby steps will take you a longggg way! The quality time with you little girl, getting your own flat... HUGE news. I also absolutely loved seeing you talk in some of the other threads going around. If you ever feel alone, just spark up a conversation about the games, our players, or any news going around. Continue to see the therapist if possible and continue the fantastic work. If you look back at your own chat from a few weeks ago, you are much improved in just the sound of your statements. It brings all of us so much joy to see your progress.

 

[Tim's tourettes]

@MrD. Firstly, dont let the ex spoil your progress. You've come on leaps and bounds in the few weeks you have been posting. Secondly, when u are settled, if u still feel she will block access to your daughter etc then go see a family solicitor. A lot will do an initial appointment for free. Lastly, has anyone mentioned the power of exercise to u? I swear that without it I'd still be on meds. I dont mean u have to go all macho and do mma or massive weights, try yoga or pilates to start, maybe pick yourself up a kettle bell and check youtube for 20 min workouts. It may not be for you but if it is then it's a massive mind focus and such a buzz afterwards. Good luck mate.

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Depression came back ten fold last two months. Had an incident at the weekend at work and now might lose my job. I snapped at a manager of another department as I felt under pressure and interrogated about my performance that day in front of others.

I flew off the handle and I know that. Think it’s too late to sort it out as I’ve been pulled into a meeting this morning to explain myself and I just can’t talk about my problems at the best of times let alone when I’m being asked in a way to defend myself I just cease up.

My manager knows about my issues but the other manager with the incident has already emailed a huge email describing the events.

Gutted as I have always been able to hold it down at this job and performed so well but I’ve recently applied for a promotion which I will have to withdraw even if I’m not sacked because it’s likely I’ll go on a performance plan.

I should’ve taken a sick note when I was offered when I went back on medication but I didn’t and it could’ve cost me my income.

Probably not making any sense. Aimless rambling.

At least Everton won - but I missed it!!

Be honest. Apologise. Say yes it happened I'm sorry and give your mitigation. Have you been given the option of taking somebody in with you. You should. Obviously I would suggest a Union rep but have you got a friend or colleague who can attend the meeting with you? It is not fair to expect you to go in on your own - especially if you have mental health issues. It's always good to have someone else just to listen so they don't screw you over when they write up the meeting notes.

Sacking you there and then seems very harsh, you should at least get some time before any disciplinary meeting. They will have processes they have to follow - and if you have never been in bother before they should take that into account. Maybe give you a warning.

 

[Tipp blue]

@MrD. Firstly, dont let the ex spoil your progress. You've come on leaps and bounds in the few weeks you have been posting. Secondly, when u are settled, if u still feel she will block access to your daughter etc then go see a family solicitor. A lot will do an initial appointment for free. Lastly, has anyone mentioned the power of exercise to u? I swear that without it I'd still be on meds. I dont mean u have to go all macho and do mma or massive weights, try yoga or pilates to start, maybe pick yourself up a kettle bell and check youtube for 20 min workouts. It may not be for you but if it is then it's a massive mind focus and such a buzz afterwards. Good luck mate.

I've mentioned exercise on here a few times, better than any medication even a 10 minute run along the road/paths every evening will have you feeling in great form after.

 

[COYBL25]

I've mentioned exercise on here a few times, better than any medication even a 10 minute run along the road/paths every evening will have you feeling in great form after.

I can concur with this 100%, my running is above all else the thing keeps my head straight.

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Well, Monday I moved into my new place. It's far far from ideal but it is what it is. I went to drop off my little girl back at her mum's.

Due to her utter resentment for me we ended up having an argument. Nothing I done, I just asked her if I could leave some of my stuff in the house as i have limited space here. (She said no as she wants all my stuff gone. No idea where I'm gonna put it all)

Also, she has started going back on small things she said. Daft stuff like me using the Amazon prime account so I can watch films and that. No big deal at all but it all led to her going on about how I'm still trying to live off her and all that rubbish. So not true. I'm out on my own journey now.

I can deal with that, what I can't handle is now she is saying that I'm an embarrassment and I should be ashamed of my situation. She is also saying she is ashamed she was with me.

She said all her mates now know about my issues and how it's embarrassing etc.

She said there's nothing wrong with me, no one has depression for so long. Basically she is going out of her way to try and kick me hard when I'm down. Plus telling me how ashamed she is that she was with me (she wasn't ashamed a few month ago during sex etc!)

She herself has seen me at my worst. She has lived it with me. Now she is saying I've been fine all along.

She even has gone as far to start suggesting that I'm not a good dad, she threatened me with not seeing the baby which is so low of her.

It triggered a pretty large crying session in the car. I couldn't help it, being told that someone is embarrassed they were ever with me for 9 years and now knowing that she is telling her one sided tales to all sorts of people and I'm now a laughing stock hurt me.

It all sounds so daft and it's all very long story but all of this, the split, having to leave with nothing and with no money or job has been very stressful this past month.

Now the day I move forward (albeit not where I want to start) she starts on me. I just don't want to see her and deal with the face pulling and bitchy little put downs every time I pick up/drop.off the little one.

It's made me.question whether I should just walk away from both of them. I know the way she is going that it won't be long till she starts messing me around about seeing my daughter.

Basically, my issues with my appearance, subsequent depression and being too scared to fix anything has led to all this. I know it's my fault and I accept it, but she is going out of her way to make me suffer shame.

I love women. I love being with someone but it's getting to the point where I can't ever see myself being with anyone ever again. I just worry I'll mess it up again or someone will just start to treat me like garbage.

I could go on and on, I've felt awful this past month but had to force myself to move forward, move back to North Wales to be near my daughter with no friends and no family here. I'm doing it for her, I literally cried as I forced myself to sort stuff out. I just wanted to curl up and sleep.

Now I'm back feeling like crap, feeling ashamed and now have the weight of all these people shes been telling tales about me too.

I know it sounds petty compared to other people's issues, I'm just so low on self confidence and have zero self worth, all of this is keeping me down. In my place!

Sorry to rant. I know I'm pathetic.

You are not pathetic. Don't walk away from your daughter. There have been wise words spoken about why she is acting like she is and I agree with all of them. However I would like to say - what a cow! Nobody should treat another human being like that.Emotional abuse is the worst, it hurts and stays and affects your whole psyche. I'm outraged on your behalf!

Stay strong, you've got a new home and a lovely daughter x

 

[Glasshalffull]

@Glasshalffull hope you are doing as well as possible. Check in with us when you feel ready.

Thanks for this, and thanks again to everyone for their good wishes. My wife's funeral was yesterday, so I thought I'd wait till after that before reporting in.

In terms of how I am - after my wife died, on the one hand I felt as desolate and miserable as I thought it was possible to be, on the other I seemed to remember a level of emotional pain even greater during the days leading to her death. Since yesterday's funeral, I've felt the same misery and desolation as before, but also that a physical weight has come off my shoulders.

On top of that, today I nearly cried a number of times, but this is the first time I've only nearly cried for three months. Before today, every time I felt like crying I wasn't able to stop myself for even a second. I guess for all I feel terrible, looking back it must be less terrible than it was.

I've not said all this out of self pity (at least not entirely), I wanted those who'd shown concern to know how things are going, and also give a bit of insight into bereavement. (At some point I might even discuss what has helped me and what hasn't).

Thanks again.

 

[Deleted member 38674]

Thanks for this, and thanks again to everyone for their good wishes. My wife's funeral was yesterday, so I thought I'd wait till after that before reporting in.

In terms of how I am - after my wife died, on the one hand I felt as desolate and miserable as I thought it was possible to be, on the other I seemed to remember a level of emotional pain even greater during the days leading to her death. Since yesterday's funeral, I've felt the same misery and desolation as before, but also that a physical weight has come off my shoulders.

On top of that, today I nearly cried a number of times, but this is the first time I've only nearly cried for three months. Before today, every time I felt like crying I wasn't able to stop myself for even a second. I guess for all I feel terrible, looking back it must be less terrible than it was.

I've not said all this out of self pity (at least not entirely), I wanted those who'd shown concern to know how things are going, and also give a bit of insight into bereavement. (At some point I might even discuss what has helped me and what hasn't).

Thanks again.

Thinking of you mate. Can’t imagine what you’re going through. Share only when you’re ready and you might find it cathartic.

Small steps. Look after yourself, try and stay busy and keep posting.

 

[Deleted member 28206]

Thanks for this, and thanks again to everyone for their good wishes. My wife's funeral was yesterday, so I thought I'd wait till after that before reporting in.

In terms of how I am - after my wife died, on the one hand I felt as desolate and miserable as I thought it was possible to be, on the other I seemed to remember a level of emotional pain even greater during the days leading to her death. Since yesterday's funeral, I've felt the same misery and desolation as before, but also that a physical weight has come off my shoulders.

On top of that, today I nearly cried a number of times, but this is the first time I've only nearly cried for three months. Before today, every time I felt like crying I wasn't able to stop myself for even a second. I guess for all I feel terrible, looking back it must be less terrible than it was.

I've not said all this out of self pity (at least not entirely), I wanted those who'd shown concern to know how things are going, and also give a bit of insight into bereavement. (At some point I might even discuss what has helped me and what hasn't).

Thanks again.

Take care mate.