Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[BigDunc'sFod]

Haven’t had to post in here for a while. Managed to get some sort of grasp on my alcohol/substance abuse problem, had some ups and downs, but still really struggling with life.

Left my previous job for something more challenging, but it feels a little too much, to the point where it affects my life. The job is probably a level down in terms or technicality, but the sheer volume is overwhelming. By the end of the day I’m pooped. Don’t use alcohol/cocaine as a crutch but I just smash a takeaway and spend hours in bed to compensate.

I was diagnosed with ADHD not long ago. Not sure how I feel about that, seems vogue to slap that tag on people lately. I was prescribed Methylphenidate by the psychiatrist, but my local GP don’t want to take on the responsibility of dispensing it, and I can’t afford to pay privately (would have to pay about £100 a month for the drugs and £90 for each session with the psychiatrist). Not even sure I want to be taking what is essentially methamphetamine to cope with life.

To cut my ramble off, I’m basically asking a) does anyone with an incredibly busy job have tips on how to manage a heavy workload, and b) has anyone been diagnosed with ADHD and found ways to manage without medication?

Hi mate

Seems like you're going through it but first off kudos for addressing your substance/alcohol dependency. I know that's a long road and not really one that's ever over but I hope you are proud of your direction there.

Very busy job here (or at least I think it is, quite the rat race in New York), and in my experience I've found either people are really good at hustling/never stopping and just get in their groove or they're very careful about schedule management. I work in IT though. All in all I do find it quite demanding and unhealthy in the sense that I'm often working longer than a 9-5 (very typical here too work much longer) and do things like with through lunch to catch up on stuff or to make sure my team are doing okay.

I shared this only to say that sacrificing well being, if that is something that is on the table, isn't always the best of the options. I'm lucky that I am competent at my job and so the workload management is really the hardest part rather than struggling with challenges around not knowing how to do my work any more and I've managed through a combination of independently switching off and managing my time with my calendar (the visual helps me) so that I get block of hours to do focus work and other periods where it's 20 little things an hour. The schedule management took me a long time to get right and the thing that took the longest was delegation and saying no (or at least not right now) to work out helping others (auto declining appointments and things like adding prep or though times to my calendar as an appointment with myself has helped ... Reading that it sounds really weird!. If any of this sounds like you, I found that articulating I was struggling with workload helped because nobody had even realised a lot of this work was being done in the first place.

No idea what kind of work you do (sorry) but priority and time management tactics like KANBAN for priority (another tip here is to show a supervisor your conflicting interests if you're given something else on your full plate) and Pomodoro for time may be something to look at. If you're in an office environment or similar, there's a great app called marinara which is used that gives you countdowns and reminders to stick to your focus times. Pomodoro essentially is breaking down your work into little sprints of 25 mins and taking a mini break. I think that approach could help with ADHD?

All this being said if you have ADHD it may simply be that it's so difficult to keep focused that the work cannot be managed without you needing meds? It's not unusual to be diagnosed later in life especially as there have been more guidance (the US have the DSM5 but I'm sure there's similar in the UK?) in recent years as things like neuro divergence are normalised and celebrated. I imagine it's not an easy amount of work but maybe explain the meds challenge to your doctor and see if they have ideas on how to deal with that? Maybe there are groups, charities, community organisations or other non profits that have programs or similar that could help with the logistics of dispensing or coat reduction?

Yikes, sorry for the long post but hopefully there's a nugget or two in here that will help a little. I don't have the heart to delete everything and be more concise haha

 

[Woolverhampton_Blue]

Hi mate

Seems like you're going through it but first off kudos for addressing your substance/alcohol dependency. I know that's a long road and not really one that's ever over but I hope you are proud of your direction there.

Very busy job here (or at least I think it is, quite the rat race in New York), and in my experience I've found either people are really good at hustling/never stopping and just get in their groove or they're very careful about schedule management. I work in IT though. All in all I do find it quite demanding and unhealthy in the sense that I'm often working longer than a 9-5 (very typical here too work much longer) and do things like with through lunch to catch up on stuff or to make sure my team are doing okay.

I shared this only to say that sacrificing well being, if that is something that is on the table, isn't always the best of the options. I'm lucky that I am competent at my job and so the workload management is really the hardest part rather than struggling with challenges around not knowing how to do my work any more and I've managed through a combination of independently switching off and managing my time with my calendar (the visual helps me) so that I get block of hours to do focus work and other periods where it's 20 little things an hour. The schedule management took me a long time to get right and the thing that took the longest was delegation and saying no (or at least not right now) to work out helping others (auto declining appointments and things like adding prep or though times to my calendar as an appointment with myself has helped ... Reading that it sounds really weird!. If any of this sounds like you, I found that articulating I was struggling with workload helped because nobody had even realised a lot of this work was being done in the first place.

No idea what kind of work you do (sorry) but priority and time management tactics like KANBAN for priority (another tip here is to show a supervisor your conflicting interests if you're given something else on your full plate) and Pomodoro for time may be something to look at. If you're in an office environment or similar, there's a great app called marinara which is used that gives you countdowns and reminders to stick to your focus times. Pomodoro essentially is breaking down your work into little sprints of 25 mins and taking a mini break. I think that approach could help with ADHD?

All this being said if you have ADHD it may simply be that it's so difficult to keep focused that the work cannot be managed without you needing meds? It's not unusual to be diagnosed later in life especially as there have been more guidance (the US have the DSM5 but I'm sure there's similar in the UK?) in recent years as things like neuro divergence are normalised and celebrated. I imagine it's not an easy amount of work but maybe explain the meds challenge to your doctor and see if they have ideas on how to deal with that? Maybe there are groups, charities, community organisations or other non profits that have programs or similar that could help with the logistics of dispensing or coat reduction?

Yikes, sorry for the long post but hopefully there's a nugget or two in here that will help a little. I don't have the heart to delete everything

 

[David09]

Haven’t had to post in here for a while. Managed to get some sort of grasp on my alcohol/substance abuse problem, had some ups and downs, but still really struggling with life.

Left my previous job for something more challenging, but it feels a little too much, to the point where it affects my life. The job is probably a level down in terms or technicality, but the sheer volume is overwhelming. By the end of the day I’m pooped. Don’t use alcohol/cocaine as a crutch but I just smash a takeaway and spend hours in bed to compensate.

I was diagnosed with ADHD not long ago. Not sure how I feel about that, seems vogue to slap that tag on people lately. I was prescribed Methylphenidate by the psychiatrist, but my local GP don’t want to take on the responsibility of dispensing it, and I can’t afford to pay privately (would have to pay about £100 a month for the drugs and £90 for each session with the psychiatrist). Not even sure I want to be taking what is essentially methamphetamine to cope with life.

To cut my ramble off, I’m basically asking a) does anyone with an incredibly busy job have tips on how to manage a heavy workload, and b) has anyone been diagnosed with ADHD and found ways to manage without medication?

Hi mate.
I'm busy at work. I'm averaging 60 hours a week but I've learnt to go with the flow and just enjoy getting up in the morning.
Any issues I'll ring my boss to sort it as I'm not paid to make decisions or get stressed.
If I need to clear my head I'll go for a walk and I'll try and run at weekends just for a bit of fitness.
I'll enjoy a couple of beers at weekends as well and catch up on sleep.
My diet isn't the best but I do eat a lot of fruit and vegetables so hopefully that helps a bit.
I would be lost really without the busy job as I struggle to get out of bed. I haven't had a days holiday for 6 years. I do feel like I'm stuck in a rut but I went through a tough marriage and divorce and needed something to keep me going.

 

[coollino]

After a pretty good/great few weeks as a family, the house renovation work has started again.

The stress it ramps up is unbelievable, but i I find it hard to talk to people about it as it really can seem so inconsequential compared to other people's problems. The only external person who noticed how stressed I looked was the girl from the Christmas party, i said to her I didn't really want to her to get involved as I didn't think it was fair but she said felt she owed me something for the respect I showed her/my gf. She has been good without prying, more just listening really but I can't work out if it's a good idea. Obviously I've not been slagging my gf off or anything weird like that, she has just tried to reason the situations pretty well which I am quite grateful for considering how she felt about me. I'm only talking to her on Teams (a little)or in the work kitchen so I think that's a comfortable distance to keep

I won't even consider it a major issue if it was a few months, but it's been over 3 years now. The house goes on and off looking like a building site, and it looks awful at the moment. I struggle to even get close to relaxing and for the first time ever, I'm having trouble sleeping/concentrating. I don't even find running as good as stress relief as I used to, and I got pretty drunk last month. The most I have in ages. It was just a relief that I had a day away from work and I just got carried away.

I'm happy that it confirmed to me that it's not really my gf and I who have a big issue, but the fact we are living in the issue is the problem and I'm kind of more worried one of us (or both) will break individually now. We're well to far in for it not to be finished but it's still not got an end date. Obviously doing it faster will mean it's done quickly, but it's more intense stress so I have no idea what the answer is

I think we completely underestimated the impact a long term renovation can have

 

[Nymzee]

After a pretty good/great few weeks as a family, the house renovation work has started again.

The stress it ramps up is unbelievable, but i I find it hard to talk to people about it as it really can seem so inconsequential compared to other people's problems. The only external person who noticed how stressed I looked was the girl from the Christmas party, i said to her I didn't really want to her to get involved as I didn't think it was fair but she said felt she owed me something for the respect I showed her/my gf. She has been good without prying, more just listening really but I can't work out if it's a good idea. Obviously I've not been slagging my gf off or anything weird like that, she has just tried to reason the situations pretty well which I am quite grateful for considering how she felt about me. I'm only talking to her on Teams (a little)or in the work kitchen so I think that's a comfortable distance to keep

I won't even consider it a major issue if it was a few months, but it's been over 3 years now. The house goes on and off looking like a building site, and it looks awful at the moment. I struggle to even get close to relaxing and for the first time ever, I'm having trouble sleeping/concentrating. I don't even find running as good as stress relief as I used to, and I got pretty drunk last month. The most I have in ages. It was just a relief that I had a day away from work and I just got carried away.

I'm happy that it confirmed to me that it's not really my gf and I who have a big issue, but the fact we are living in the issue is the problem and I'm kind of more worried one of us (or both) will break individually now. We're well to far in for it not to be finished but it's still not got an end date. Obviously doing it faster will mean it's done quickly, but it's more intense stress so I have no idea what the answer is

I think we completely underestimated the impact a long term renovation can have

How much one what is left to do is necessary, and what is something you can just park for now. Does your missus also feel the same?

It could be as simple as “this is rough, the house is causing a strain on us both, but we both acknowledge it and we’ll see it through together”. I feel like if you’re both struggling with the renovations and communicate it shouldn’t ever cause a major problem in the relationship.

 

[Hinchcliffe's Corner]

After a pretty good/great few weeks as a family, the house renovation work has started again.

The stress it ramps up is unbelievable, but i I find it hard to talk to people about it as it really can seem so inconsequential compared to other people's problems. The only external person who noticed how stressed I looked was the girl from the Christmas party, i said to her I didn't really want to her to get involved as I didn't think it was fair but she said felt she owed me something for the respect I showed her/my gf. She has been good without prying, more just listening really but I can't work out if it's a good idea. Obviously I've not been slagging my gf off or anything weird like that, she has just tried to reason the situations pretty well which I am quite grateful for considering how she felt about me. I'm only talking to her on Teams (a little)or in the work kitchen so I think that's a comfortable distance to keep

I won't even consider it a major issue if it was a few months, but it's been over 3 years now. The house goes on and off looking like a building site, and it looks awful at the moment. I struggle to even get close to relaxing and for the first time ever, I'm having trouble sleeping/concentrating. I don't even find running as good as stress relief as I used to, and I got pretty drunk last month. The most I have in ages. It was just a relief that I had a day away from work and I just got carried away.

I'm happy that it confirmed to me that it's not really my gf and I who have a big issue, but the fact we are living in the issue is the problem and I'm kind of more worried one of us (or both) will break individually now. We're well to far in for it not to be finished but it's still not got an end date. Obviously doing it faster will mean it's done quickly, but it's more intense stress so I have no idea what the answer is

I think we completely underestimated the impact a long term renovation can have

Renovating my house at the moment. Mentally tiring and straining on relationships. There's some jobs that next time I'll be paying to be done just to unload a bit of that! Also when you start you think you'll smash it out in a few months when the reality is more like a few years as is where you're at, so accept you're not doing badly at all and perhaps the stress will unwind too.

I would consider finishing off every little half job so that the house is back to normal before embarking on the next project, the biggest stress seems to be the lack of completion, putting full stops on things really alleviates a lot of issues for me, and stops me worrying about what I've got left to do. You might even be able to take a few months off the reno before moving onto the next project.

 

[coollino]

Renovating my house at the moment. Mentally tiring and straining on relationships. There's some jobs that next time I'll be paying to be done just to unload a bit of that! Also when you start you think you'll smash it out in a few months when the reality is more like a few years as is where you're at, so accept you're not doing badly at all and perhaps the stress will unwind too.

I would consider finishing off every little half job so that the house is back to normal before embarking on the next project, the biggest stress seems to be the lack of completion, putting full stops on things really alleviates a lot of issues for me, and stops me worrying about what I've got left to do. You might even be able to take a few months off the reno before moving onto the next project.

Yeah I think we'll pay for more if we did it again (although I don't think I could handle doing it again). We have so many 70% finished jobs as we've been trying to at least make some of the rooms livable. There is just crap like our shower is broken and only gets above lukewarm, but there is no point properly fixing it as we will have a new shower soon etc. we have a 4 year old running around at the same time too , will all open floors and stuff, although luckily she is pretty good as this is all she has even known in a way

 

[coollino]

How much one what is left to do is necessary, and what is something you can just park for now. Does your missus also feel the same?

It could be as simple as “this is rough, the house is causing a strain on us both, but we both acknowledge it and we’ll see it through together”. I feel like if you’re both struggling with the renovations and communicate it shouldn’t ever cause a major problem in the relationship.

A decent amount needs to be done, it's not really possible to stop where we are as there are too many buildings materials everywhere. It's pretty much the whole house that is being done, not just a room or two.

We are just trying to get through it, I find most days difficult. Whereas she seems ok for a bit longer but then has days where she is loads worse than me

 

[Hinchcliffe's Corner]

Yeah I think we'll pay for more if we did it again (although I don't think I could handle doing it again). We have so many 70% finished jobs as we've been trying to at least make some of the rooms livable. There is just crap like our shower is broken and only gets above lukewarm, but there is no point properly fixing it as we will have a new shower soon etc. we have a 4 year old running around at the same time too , will all open floors and stuff, although luckily she is pretty good as this is all she has even known in a way

I know for me having multiple unfinished jobs keeps me up at night and worries me in the day, and even more so if the missus decides to not pull her weight on some jobs you both agreed to do, and then if I cba and she is left finishing the same thing applies to me, tension rises! Best advice I'd give would be to spend a weekend tidying up those loose ends bit by bit. We wrote a list on the side of the fridge and cross it off as we go, it makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.

 

[BigDunc'sFod]

After a pretty good/great few weeks as a family, the house renovation work has started again.

The stress it ramps up is unbelievable, but i I find it hard to talk to people about it as it really can seem so inconsequential compared to other people's problems. The only external person who noticed how stressed I looked was the girl from the Christmas party, i said to her I didn't really want to her to get involved as I didn't think it was fair but she said felt she owed me something for the respect I showed her/my gf. She has been good without prying, more just listening really but I can't work out if it's a good idea. Obviously I've not been slagging my gf off or anything weird like that, she has just tried to reason the situations pretty well which I am quite grateful for considering how she felt about me. I'm only talking to her on Teams (a little)or in the work kitchen so I think that's a comfortable distance to keep

I won't even consider it a major issue if it was a few months, but it's been over 3 years now. The house goes on and off looking like a building site, and it looks awful at the moment. I struggle to even get close to relaxing and for the first time ever, I'm having trouble sleeping/concentrating. I don't even find running as good as stress relief as I used to, and I got pretty drunk last month. The most I have in ages. It was just a relief that I had a day away from work and I just got carried away.

I'm happy that it confirmed to me that it's not really my gf and I who have a big issue, but the fact we are living in the issue is the problem and I'm kind of more worried one of us (or both) will break individually now. We're well to far in for it not to be finished but it's still not got an end date. Obviously doing it faster will mean it's done quickly, but it's more intense stress so I have no idea what the answer is

I think we completely underestimated the impact a long term renovation can have

Hi mate

Renovation is a bloody nightmare. It sounds like you're doing a lot yourself, is that right?

You mentioned later that you have a lot of 3/4 complete stuff. Having been through a renovation myself, I found that focusing on one room or one type of thing at a time can really provide some much needed focus and give you wins that will keep you going. Humans are terrible multitaskers! David Allen wrote about "Getting Things Done" and issues related, and outlined some of it like this, (going from memory here so bear with me)

• Being overwhelmed can be paralyzing so reduce the number of directions you're being pulled in (i.e. the number of projects) - choosing one at a time can help
• Ambiguity can prevent you even starting, getting clarity on what you need to do and breakdown into actionable steps can provide a framework
• Fear of incomplete/making wrong decisions can get you stuck. Accept the imperfection ofnanmultitude of aspects of projects that are either out of you control or could change in the future and try to simply commit to the best decision you can make right now
• Reassess your "why" - prioritizing the reason for each piece of work can help determine which are the bang-for-buck completion projects

What this did for us is give us a frame.of reference, helped us prioritize (urgency x impact), and gave us some focus.

For us, the shower was definitely priority number one. There was so much dust and construction detritus... On... Every... Thing. We never felt clean, we never felt rested. Being able to take a shower or, honestly, use the toilet in a clean and complete environment was revitalising.

Then we focused on some of the gutwork being complete if it affected the entire property ("Okay, the electrical stuff is done"). Then choosing a specific part of the house to cordon off (a living space that became a temporary bedroom, our basic kitchen), and sealed the rest off with these things that go over the door on each side and have a zipper to minimise dust travel. In hindsight we probably should have dealt with a single electrical panel to serve this segment, but it worked out.

Other things that helped us was celebrating milestones together in a review each month if what was competed (the endorphin hit from checking small things off a long list was nice) and taking loads of before and after pictures to remind us how it was worth it! We didn't share our Reno pics with anyone but I know some folks do that to help spur them on, too. Also if your budget can swing it, trying to get away on a weekend away as a family or even going to visit a family member who lives elsewhere (we visited a friend in Philly) can be a welcome break from "the project'.

I can't even imagine what it must be like three years in though. We hit two years and I was ready to pull what little hair I have right off my nut. Didn't have a kid at the time, either. In the end we cut off some of the more adventurous stuff and intended to go back to it. It's been ten years and we just got the stamina (and funds) to revisit but we haven't been unhappy in that time.

Best of luck to you all

 

[BigDunc'sFod]

I know for me having multiple unfinished jobs keeps me up at night and worries me in the day, and even more so if the missus decides to not pull her weight on some jobs you both agreed to do, and then if I cba and she is left finishing the same thing applies to me, tension rises! Best advice I'd give would be to spend a weekend tidying up those loose ends bit by bit. We wrote a list on the side of the fridge and cross it off as we go, it makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.

I love this, for a while when raising a small child we'd do check ins with each other:
Baby crying:

• I'm at 50%
• I'm at 20%

Of course when you're both at 1% someone has to take care of a baby like, but some stuff (like dishes) can be binned off if you're both depleted.

 

[Tim's tourettes]

I love this, for a while when raising a small child we'd do check ins with each other:
Baby crying:

• I'm at 50%
• I'm at 20%

Of course when you're both at 1% someone has to take care of a baby like, but some stuff (like dishes) can be binned off if you're both depleted.

Good advice here. My MH issues really came to notice when my eldest was born.... your own kids crying is like nails on a blackboard when it's 0100-0400 and u are up for work at 0600!

 

[coollino]

Hi mate

Renovation is a bloody nightmare. It sounds like you're doing a lot yourself, is that right?

You mentioned later that you have a lot of 3/4 complete stuff. Having been through a renovation myself, I found that focusing on one room or one type of thing at a time can really provide some much needed focus and give you wins that will keep you going. Humans are terrible multitaskers! David Allen wrote about "Getting Things Done" and issues related, and outlined some of it like this, (going from memory here so bear with me)

• Being overwhelmed can be paralyzing so reduce the number of directions you're being pulled in (i.e. the number of projects) - choosing one at a time can help
• Ambiguity can prevent you even starting, getting clarity on what you need to do and breakdown into actionable steps can provide a framework
• Fear of incomplete/making wrong decisions can get you stuck. Accept the imperfection ofnanmultitude of aspects of projects that are either out of you control or could change in the future and try to simply commit to the best decision you can make right now
• Reassess your "why" - prioritizing the reason for each piece of work can help determine which are the bang-for-buck completion projects

What this did for us is give us a frame.of reference, helped us prioritize (urgency x impact), and gave us some focus.

For us, the shower was definitely priority number one. There was so much dust and construction detritus... On... Every... Thing. We never felt clean, we never felt rested. Being able to take a shower or, honestly, use the toilet in a clean and complete environment was revitalising.

Then we focused on some of the gutwork being complete if it affected the entire property ("Okay, the electrical stuff is done"). Then choosing a specific part of the house to cordon off (a living space that became a temporary bedroom, our basic kitchen), and sealed the rest off with these things that go over the door on each side and have a zipper to minimise dust travel. In hindsight we probably should have dealt with a single electrical panel to serve this segment, but it worked out.

Other things that helped us was celebrating milestones together in a review each month if what was competed (the endorphin hit from checking small things off a long list was nice) and taking loads of before and after pictures to remind us how it was worth it! We didn't share our Reno pics with anyone but I know some folks do that to help spur them on, too. Also if your budget can swing it, trying to get away on a weekend away as a family or even going to visit a family member who lives elsewhere (we visited a friend in Philly) can be a welcome break from "the project'.

I can't even imagine what it must be like three years in though. We hit two years and I was ready to pull what little hair I have right off my nut. Didn't have a kid at the time, either. In the end we cut off some of the more adventurous stuff and intended to go back to it. It's been ten years and we just got the stamina (and funds) to revisit but we haven't been unhappy in that time.

Best of luck to you all

Yeah, we're doing the majority ourselves with my gf's parents (I'm doing mainly the unskilled stuff...), which is kind of another small stress within itself even though I get on with them, but that part has been better recently

We were meant to do as much have we are, but a builder ran off with £5k around the COVID time so that was obviously crap. When we get at eachother about it, we try and remind each other that a lot of couples probably wouldn't have made it through as we have (there is has also been two fairly close together miscarriages right at the start of the renovation), and we sometimes have days where we can't even see a day or two ahead, let alone years

As you said, we have prioritised rooms etc which has worked out but now our current bedroom is the walk way for work, so all plasterboard, insulation etc is being walked through there and it's just a horrible room now. I doubt a sex worker charging £30 a night would use it . Obviously that's crap for sleep and other stuff too

It does sound like yours was on a similar scale to us, with dust everywhere etc. thanks for the advice, when someone else writes things down and simplifies it, it certainly helps. But I guess the issue is when you are in the middle of it, it's hard to think that way

 

[COYBL25]

Yeah, we're doing the majority ourselves with my gf's parents (I'm doing mainly the unskilled stuff...), which is kind of another small stress within itself even though I get on with them, but that part has been better recently

We were meant to do as much have we are, but a builder ran off with £5k around the COVID time so that was obviously crap. When we get at eachother about it, we try and remind each other that a lot of couples probably wouldn't have made it through as we have (there is has also been two fairly close together miscarriages right at the start of the renovation), and we sometimes have days where we can't even see a day or two ahead, let alone years

As you said, we have prioritised rooms etc which has worked out but now our current bedroom is the walk way for work, so all plasterboard, insulation etc is being walked through there and it's just a horrible room now. I doubt a sex worker charging £30 a night would use it . Obviously that's crap for sleep and other stuff too

It does sound like yours was on a similar scale to us, with dust everywhere etc. thanks for the advice, when someone else writes things down and simplifies it, it certainly helps. But I guess the issue is when you are in the middle of it, it's hard to think that way

When we moved into ours mate, we had to do a full interior rip out, inc all the plaster off most of the walls, the kitchen and bathroom etc.

We did one bedroom up properly and the living room downstairs first, so we at least had somewhere to escape from the building materials, tools and dust.

It took us the best part of two years to finish everything ( could`ve done it faster, but I was paying lads I know cash to do stuff like the plastering, central heating etc, so we had to work around them ).

It`s can be an endurance test at times for the relationship, but it`s a great feeling at the end when you see it all come together.

 

[BigDunc'sFod]

Yeah, we're doing the majority ourselves with my gf's parents (I'm doing mainly the unskilled stuff...), which is kind of another small stress within itself even though I get on with them, but that part has been better recently

We were meant to do as much have we are, but a builder ran off with £5k around the COVID time so that was obviously crap. When we get at eachother about it, we try and remind each other that a lot of couples probably wouldn't have made it through as we have (there is has also been two fairly close together miscarriages right at the start of the renovation), and we sometimes have days where we can't even see a day or two ahead, let alone years

As you said, we have prioritised rooms etc which has worked out but now our current bedroom is the walk way for work, so all plasterboard, insulation etc is being walked through there and it's just a horrible room now. I doubt a sex worker charging £30 a night would use it . Obviously that's crap for sleep and other stuff too

It does sound like yours was on a similar scale to us, with dust everywhere etc. thanks for the advice, when someone else writes things down and simplifies it, it certainly helps. But I guess the issue is when you are in the middle of it, it's hard to think that way

Mate, dealing with a renovation is bad enough but especially after what you've both been through with the miscarriages and the bar steward builder situation. The fact that you're both still at it (even though sometimes at each other!) shows a lot of resilience.

It's not clear from your post whether either of you were really able to grieve and process so much loss or if you just cracked on with the plan to renovate. Particularly with COVID, when support systems were at an all time low, isolation and emotional exhaustion was high, and folks were barred from visiting etc., I can only imagine how tough that was. Of course, everyone grieves differently, some throw themselves into work (my partner after her first miscarriage) and some fall apart and don't want to work on anything (me) and lots in between, but I just wanted to take a moment and acknowledge these profound losses.

Back to the renovation - it sounds like you're contributing in any way you can, despite not being the "skilled labor" type. I was in a similar boat at the time, as despite being pretty proficient in tech stuff, my FIL was an engineer by trade and a real grease monkey who knew what I perceived to be everything about everything DIY. He, thankfully, was also very gracious and would remind me that we were tackling a huge project under less than ideal circumstances, and every little bit helps. He's since sadly passed, but some of those times learning from him despite feeling a little bit dozy at times is something I look back fondly on. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be replacing light switches, outlets, door handles and toilet innards - but here we are

It seems.like you're doing your best to focus on what you can control right now. If you can swing it, try and give yourselves permission to take breaks from the renovation when you need to, emotionally and physically, and keep supporting each other. If the situation with your current bedroom is really getting to you, maybe think about small ways to reclaim that space for yourselves, even if it's just a temporary fix (go the long way round, put the materials outside under a tarp etc.).

There's light at the end of the (dusty) tunnel, I promise you that, and when you finally sit on your couch together in a clean and finished home, hopefully you can look back and appreciate just how much you've accomplished together!