Jokes Thread

[Methuselah]

Before lockdown joke this.

Guy is in a pub and is approached by a BIG girl who asks for his telephone number. He asks if she has got a pen and when she says 'yes', he says 'Well get back into it before the farmer misses you'.

 

[Philw]

Before women's lib joke this.

Guy is in a pub and is approached by a BIG girl who asks for his telephone number. He asks if she has got a pen and when she says 'yes', he says 'Well get back into it before the farmer misses you'.

Fixed it for you

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

My dad always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more". Great bloke... Terrible anaesthetist...

Was he a local guy?

 

[summerisle]

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

[mumwasablue]

A Scotsman has just spent the day skiing down a Canadian mountain ,and decides to treat himself to a few whiskies in a bar in the ski resort at the bottom of the mountain . After 6 whiskies he asks the bartender ,
What's that hanging above the bar ?
Its a moose .
Blow me said the Scotsman I would hate to see the size of the cats.

 

[Blue Sky]

 

[Kurt.]

Got chatted up earlier by the woman who owns the local undertakers ...

Pffft.... she only wants me for my body

 

[kev]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept......

 

[Seathestars]

I wasn’t feeling too good earlier and I got rushed to hospital

The nurse asked me ‘do you smoke, drink and do drugs’

I said ‘I’m into everything love, why, do you fancy a date?

 

[deipnosophist]

Fella wakes up, hears a noise outside the front door, opens it and...there's a penguin sat on doorstep. Rushes in and tells his flatmates "there's a bloody penguin ouside!".
What to do?
Flatmates say "take him to the zoo"...and so off the fella goes.

Two or three hours later, his flatties see him in the street with the penguin waddling beside him. "We thought you were taking it to the zoo" one says

The fella replies "yes, I did that. Now I'm taking it to the movies"

 

[Methuselah]

Fella wakes up, hears a noise outside the front door, opens it and...there's a penguin sat on doorstep. Rushes in and tells his flatmates "there's a bloody penguin ouside!".
What to do?
Flatmates say "take him to the zoo"...and so off the fella goes.

Two or three hours later, his flatties see him in the street with the penguin waddling beside him. "We thought you were taking it to the zoo" one says

The fella replies "yes, I did that. Now I'm taking it to the movies"

Movies? What are they? Do you mean 'the pictures?'

 

[mumwasablue]

What do Winnie the pooh and Alexander the great have in common?
They both have the same middle name.

 

[chrissyjack]

Meat Loaf marries his accountant girlfriend....a spokesman for the newlyweds said " She'll do anything for love but she won't do VAT "