Did he have a red & white scarf on the rat?
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £80m
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago and her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer you my deepest condolences."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer you my deepest condolences."
Blueboy57
Player Valuation: £950k
The queen pays a visit to Rampton secure hospital where a new wing has just opened. During her tour of the grounds she comments on the beautiful flower arrangements dotted around the garden area & the lush green lawns. "Who is responsible for such lovely flowers & the perfect lawns" she asks out loud, then a timid little voice behind her says, "that would be me your majesty". She turns around & sees this small, elderly man who is all kitted out for gardening & reply's to him, "I must say your talents are wasted here. I'm going to see to it that you're given a full pardon & you can carry on your good work at the palace for me". The old man is overjoyed. "Oh thank you your majesty, I've been in here for over 30 years. I won't let you down". The queen says she'll sort it out when she gets back to London. As she is leaving the garden area she is suddenly floored when a brick hits her on the back of the head. As her aides help her back to her feet she turns to see who was responsible for chucking the brick. She only sees the little old man, who having gotten her attention shouts to her, " You won't forget now will you Ma'am"
David Bowie is appearing on Bing Crosby’s Christmas Show. When he arrives for filming he notices that Bing is very downcast.
“What’s up, Mr Crosby?” Asks Bowie
“Oh the rubber ring that I sit on for my piles has deflated. It’s like a second butt for me.”
“Ah don’t worry, all those tight costumes that I used to wear have left me with a similar problem. I am always prepared and I can lend you a Rubber Bum Pump.”
“A Rubber Bum Pump ?”
“A Rubber Bum Pump !”
“What’s up, Mr Crosby?” Asks Bowie
“Oh the rubber ring that I sit on for my piles has deflated. It’s like a second butt for me.”
“Ah don’t worry, all those tight costumes that I used to wear have left me with a similar problem. I am always prepared and I can lend you a Rubber Bum Pump.”
“A Rubber Bum Pump ?”
“A Rubber Bum Pump !”
BigBlueConk
Player Valuation: £70m
Lad gets to school and shouts to the teacher
"I saw a dead cat!"
The teacher asks "Are you sure it was dead?".
The lad says "Yeah, I pi**ed in its ear and it didn't move!"
The teacher exclaims "You did WHAT?"
The lad says " I leaned over and went pssst in its ear and it didn't move!"
"I saw a dead cat!"
The teacher asks "Are you sure it was dead?".
The lad says "Yeah, I pi**ed in its ear and it didn't move!"
The teacher exclaims "You did WHAT?"
The lad says " I leaned over and went pssst in its ear and it didn't move!"
Jamo Martinez
Player Valuation: £70m
Younger members might not get this one
chrismpw
Player Valuation: £70m
Then they miss out for possibly ridiculing the superior musical taste of their elders and betters.
BigBlueConk
Player Valuation: £70m
Then they miss out for possibly ridiculing the superior musical taste of their elders and betters.
Well in that case.......
I was walking down the street carrying an eel when I bumped into Dean Martin.
I asked him do you know what sort of eel this is?
He said that's a moray.
But they show it on the telly every Christmas don't they? Just after "The Great Escape"
Jamo Martinez
Player Valuation: £70m
Over here in Spain they don't.But they show it on the telly every Christmas don't they? Just after "The Great Escape"
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £80m
A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I'm still a virgin."
The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynaecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector...God, I miss him!"
The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynaecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector...God, I miss him!"
A true American success story. Guaranteed to put a tear in your eye... 'MURICA!
From Rags to Riches
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.
One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"
The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
"What"s your name? " asked the executive.
John H. Smith was the reply.
The CEO arrives at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith?
"Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."
The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."
Mr. Smith began his story.
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele.I lived like a monk
and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a Hooker in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
From Rags to Riches
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.
One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"
The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
"What"s your name? " asked the executive.
John H. Smith was the reply.
The CEO arrives at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith?
"Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."
The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."
Mr. Smith began his story.
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele.I lived like a monk
and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a Hooker in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £80m
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London.
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said "Suits ?5.00 each, Shirts ?2.00 each, Trousers ?2.50 per pair."
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now, when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will." says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at ?5.00 each, 100 shirts at ?2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at ?2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well... yes," says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d'y'know dat?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said "Suits ?5.00 each, Shirts ?2.00 each, Trousers ?2.50 per pair."
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now, when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will." says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at ?5.00 each, 100 shirts at ?2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at ?2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well... yes," says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d'y'know dat?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
Bishop Thumpety-Thump
Player Valuation: £15m
I just bought a wig online for only a couple of quid.
It was a small price to pay.
It was a small price to pay.