Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[Spotty]

It's getting to the point where I think I'm genuinely going to fall out with my parents.

We had a kid in May 2020 which was obv hard enough with COViD and they keep putting on so much pressure to see her, even though they do every 2 weeks or so. Each time they do, it goes really well and everyone is happy but then I started to get weird texts asking why they can't look after her more to the point where my dad said 'since we are not part of her life' the other day so I finally snapped and told them to stop with all of this pressure as it's stressing me and my gf out loads.

They have always lived a life where they have got whatever they wanted, live in a village where they have loads of friends but none that will probably disagree with them. They constantly compared what their friends get do it (which is completely irrelevant).

I'm going for a meal with them next week for their wedding anniversary and I really cba to go. It will be all happy clappy, all fine and then the cycle of the weird texts etc will start again which annoys me even more.

We've had conversations about it and how stressed my gf is about a lot of things (she lost her auntie and nan during lockdowns) and they ask questions like 'is she even that close to her auntie' and that the nan dying was a while ago.

It's blowing my mind how insensitive they are being and how much they are thinking of themselves.

Half the time when we see them they are taking pics of her and just sending to their friends which I don't really like, our daughter and us aren't really on social media and prefer to keep things private.

They constantly compare themselves to my gf's parents, who do see her more but she has a better/different relationship with her parents and they are doing up our house. They constantly want to meet her parents but we find that awkward as her mum is black and they have made comments about people in the past that I don't agree with but think it's fine as their best friend is black.

I think I am one snarky text of saying 'she is our daughter, it's up to us etc' which I know won't go down well but I don't know what else to do. I was talking to my brother about it yesterday and he is fully on my side but yeah, it's weird.

Coolino might I suggest the following. Meet up with them and have a hear to heart, to straighten it out. Tell them you understand they love your daughter and they want to be part of her life. That is not the problem. They can see her but your wishes must be listened to. Tell them what's upsetting you and discuss with them how you can move forward. Come to an agreement your both happy with but as the parent buddy your needs come first. By being up front, your giving your parents the respect they deserve but your being honest and open and you want your concerns listened to.


There is no reason why your parents can't compromise. But have it out and be honest. They can't argue with your motives and " should " respect you for the consideration you have given them. Good luck buddy, I'm sure you'll sort it out.

 

[coollino]

Thats kind of a weird situation mate, them wanting to be more active and involved in their son and grandaughters life and not less like @ForeverBlue92 says which is usually the norm. I dont know your family but maybe theyre hurt they dont get to be as involved in your lives as her parents clearly are. Also you have been a family for a while - your family wanting to meet hers doesn't seem wrong, dont her parents want to meet yours?? Do your parents think she controls you and theyre been frozen out?? I hope you sort it out and can find a fair balance for everyone. Have a good heart to heart with them on your own next week and hopefully yous can sort it all out.

They are involved in her life, but they are never satisfied unless they get to do whatever is in their head.

They are very laid back compared to my parents who want everything planned to the last detail. There is no control like that and i doubt they think that, they got on really well beforehand.

I do talk to them about it, it all seems to go okay and then they revert back in this a few weeks after

 

[ForeverBlue92]

Thats kind of a weird situation mate, them wanting to be more active and involved in their son and grandaughters life and not less like @ForeverBlue92 says which is usually the norm. I dont know your family but maybe theyre hurt they dont get to be as involved in your lives as her parents clearly are. Also you have been a family for a while - your family wanting to meet hers doesn't seem wrong, dont her parents want to meet yours?? Do your parents think she controls you and theyre been frozen out?? I hope you sort it out and can find a fair balance for everyone. Have a good heart to heart with them on your own next week and hopefully yous can sort it all out.

My in laws were great until my lad was about 2 then they basically took a massive step back and he's lucky if he see's them one afternoon a month despite being 15 minutes down the road.

My Ma's great with the boy but she pretty much raised me and my brother & sister on her own as my dad was away a lot with the army then later a long distance lorry driver. He's awkward with the lad as he simply missed out on a lot of our childhoods so doesn't really know what to do around kids so he lets my ma deal with it when my lad stays over at their house

 

[blueloon]

They are involved in her life, but they are never satisfied unless they get to do whatever is in their head.

They are very laid back compared to my parents who want everything planned to the last detail. There is no control like that and i doubt they think that, they got on really well beforehand.

I do talk to them about it, it all seems to go okay and then they revert back in this a few weeks after

Yeah it’s not easy to strike the right balance here. Im a Grandfather but live 50 odd miles from the Grandkids as a result I don’t see them as much as the other Grandparents who can pop around , baby sit more easily etc , frustrating a bit for me but it is what it is. I wouldn’t go with the “ just txt them and tell them straight “ suggestions, it can cause more resentment. But it’s a fact that often most new mothers like your gf turn to their own mothers for more support and see them more frequently. That’s something your own parents will have to accept . If it’s their first grandchild they will undoubtedly be excited and wanting more of them but it’s you and your gf who are in control.

Despite the situation and your frustration you seem to be handling it very calmly and well . Things do change for everybody as the children grow up and grandparents can be more easily involved. Keep on doing what you’re doing is my advice , keep it calm , keep talking to them and annoying as they are resist the temptation for a full blown row if you can avoid it!

 

[coollino]

Coolino might I suggest the following. Meet up with them and have a hear to heart, to straighten it out. Tell them you understand they love your daughter and they want to be part of her life. That is not the problem. They can see her but your wishes must be listened to. Tell them what's upsetting you and discuss with them how you can move forward. Come to an agreement your both happy with but as the parent buddy your needs come first. By being up front, your giving your parents the respect they deserve but your being honest and open and you want your concerns listened to.


There is no reason why your parents can't compromise. But have it out and be honest. They can't argue with your motives and " should " respect you for the consideration you have given them. Good luck buddy, I'm sure you'll sort it out.

Cheers, this is what i did the other week and thought that was the end of it tbh but it's just started again (again). i'll see what happens at the weekend i guess

 

[coollino]

Yeah it’s not easy to strike the right balance here. Im a Grandfather but live 50 odd miles from the Grandkids as a result I don’t see them as much as the other Grandparents who can pop around , baby sit more easily etc , frustrating a bit for me but it is what it is. I wouldn’t go with the “ just txt them and tell them straight “ suggestions, it can cause more resentment. But it’s a fact that often most new mothers like your gf turn to their own mothers for more support and see them more frequently. That’s something your own parents will have to accept . If it’s their first grandchild they will undoubtedly be excited and wanting more of them but it’s you and your gf who are in control.

Despite the situation and your frustration you seem to be handling it very calmly and well . Things do change for everybody as the children grow up and grandparents can be more easily involved. Keep on doing what you’re doing is my advice , keep it calm , keep talking to them and annoying as they are resist the temptation for a full blown row if you can avoid it!

thanks, it's good to hear from a grandparents perspective. i think lockdowns have made it much worse but that's not anyone's fault (particularly the first one) and you just had to deal with it the best you can, and my gf's mum being involved a fair bit in them (as she had a c-section)

will see how it goes I guess, i'll try and avoid a confrontation i think.

 

[Spadge Vernacular]

thanks, it's good to hear from a grandparents perspective. i think lockdowns have made it much worse but that's not anyone's fault (particularly the first one) and you just had to deal with it the best you can, and my gf's mum being involved a fair bit in them (as she had a c-section)

will see how it goes I guess, i'll try and avoid a confrontation i think.

As has been said by others mate, not all grandparents are keen to be hands-on so you are lucky. My mum struggled a bit with the fact that my mother-in-law saw more of our young one than she did but I think it's natural for a new mother to turn to her mum. Speaking with my mum's older sister was a help as she reminded my mum that she was constantly at her mums'/my nan's with me.

As with many things with relationships it is the trick of setting and managing expectations. Becoming a parent is a steep learning curve but you are a smart lad and will work it out - it is a part of the process.

 

[Spotty]

Cheers, this is what i did the other week and thought that was the end of it tbh but it's just started again (again). i'll see what happens at the weekend i guess

Coolino I think your being very reasonable. It's not you against them and they will understand and if they don't just stick to your principles as well as letting them be grandparents. On a positive note it's a good thing they want to be part of the bairns life. They see your daughter as very life affirming and as elderly folk, that really matters. Your daughter fills a hole in their lives. Your daughter is well loved by all and that's a blessing as you know. All the best.

 

[blueloon]

Coolino I think your being very reasonable. It's not you against them and they will understand and if they don't just stick to your principles as well as letting them be grandparents. On a positive note it's a good thing they want to be part of the bairns life. They see your daughter as very life affirming and as elderly folk, that really matters. Your daughter fills a hole in their lives. Your daughter is well loved by all and that's a blessing as you know. All the best.

Hmm, sorry but I find those to be condescending assumptions about “ elderly folk” that you don’t even know , you can’t know how they see his daughter or that they have a hole in their lives. Anyway, sidetracking the issue so I’ll leave it there.

 

[ArtetaMoney]

Apologies if this has already been shared, but a friend of mine (she’s a nurse) told me about a website called hub of hope. The link is below, you type in your location and it gives you options to choose, before sign posting you to help.

It could be worth bookmarking for if you or someone you know, are ever in need of help.

Hub of Hope - Mental Health Support Network provided by Chasing the Stigma

Chasing the Stigma (CTS) has launched the Hub of Hope - a national mental health database, bringing help and support together in one place, with a focus on grassroots organisations.

hubofhope.co.uk

 

[David09]

Yeah, they do live local and thats what we are trying to get to but each time we get somewhere with it, we get a weird comment or something.

My gf knows she has a bit of separation anxiety with it all (lockdown prob did this) and I've asked my parents to give me time to sort it but they won't do that.

It's a tough situation mate but I would put you and your girlfriend first.

I regret not standing up to my now Ex mother and father in law. They insisted on seeing my daughter every day until she was about 10. It drove a big wedge between me and my ex wife as I'm quiet and shy but also seeing your mother and father in law every day after finishing work just drove me absolutely wild.

The ex mother and father in law were used to dictating absolutely everything and getting there own way and my ex wife just wouldn't even approach the subject with them. They wanted to be seen as being perfect in there friends eyes and had no care for my feelings

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Don't text. Go and see them if that's possible. You can't see body language or tone in a text. That can lead to a lot of other issues. Explain how you feel and see how they react. Maybe phone them if you can't visit. Try and stay calm no matter how they respond. Do they know about your gfs Mums ethnicity? Just get it all out to the open.

 

[blueloon]

Its interesting reading the comments, and as I said earlier I have a Grandparents perspective. I never forget there’s a wee baby at the heart of this who is totally , 100% the parents responsibility to make the right decisions for her. The Grandparents role should always be a supportive one and if necessary back off , even if they think they would do things differently. I’m lucky in having a loving relationship with all my children and grandchildren. But both parents and grandparents should never forget how lucky they are .

Today is proving quite poignant. Most of my morning has been spent writing a children’s adventure story for two of my grandchildren . The story is about the adventures me and Harris their brother had today ,as today is Harris’s 5th birthday. But sadly he was very ill when he was born and only lived for 7 days. The adventure stories I write of Harris with his Grandad keep his memory alive and his mum and dad read them to Harris’ brother and sister. As it happens I also came across a post from a grieving Grandmother who had lost a grandchild, it was on a support site for Grandparents who have lost Grandchildren and I was able to tell her the story of Harris and how things do get easier. I hope it helps her.

Longish post, simple message really , never forget how precious children are to both parents and grandparents and both parents and grandparents should remember how lucky they are to have them.

 

[COYBL25]

Its interesting reading the comments, and as I said earlier I have a Grandparents perspective. I never forget there’s a wee baby at the heart of this who is totally , 100% the parents responsibility to make the right decisions for her. The Grandparents role should always be a supportive one and if necessary back off , even if they think they would do things differently. I’m lucky in having a loving relationship with all my children and grandchildren. But both parents and grandparents should never forget how lucky they are .

Today is proving quite poignant. Most of my morning has been spent writing a children’s adventure story for two of my grandchildren . The story is about the adventures me and Harris their brother had today ,as today is Harris’s 5th birthday. But sadly he was very ill when he was born and only lived for 7 days. The adventure stories I write of Harris with his Grandad keep his memory alive and his mum and dad read them to Harris’ brother and sister. As it happens I also came across a post from a grieving Grandmother who had lost a grandchild, it was on a support site for Grandparents who have lost Grandchildren and I was able to tell her the story of Harris and how things do get easier. I hope it helps her.

Longish post, simple message really , never forget how precious children are to both parents and grandparents and both parents and grandparents should remember how lucky they are to have them.

Wonderful post mate x

 

[Earwigjoe]

Its interesting reading the comments, and as I said earlier I have a Grandparents perspective. I never forget there’s a wee baby at the heart of this who is totally , 100% the parents responsibility to make the right decisions for her. The Grandparents role should always be a supportive one and if necessary back off , even if they think they would do things differently. I’m lucky in having a loving relationship with all my children and grandchildren. But both parents and grandparents should never forget how lucky they are .

Today is proving quite poignant. Most of my morning has been spent writing a children’s adventure story for two of my grandchildren . The story is about the adventures me and Harris their brother had today ,as today is Harris’s 5th birthday. But sadly he was very ill when he was born and only lived for 7 days. The adventure stories I write of Harris with his Grandad keep his memory alive and his mum and dad read them to Harris’ brother and sister. As it happens I also came across a post from a grieving Grandmother who had lost a grandchild, it was on a support site for Grandparents who have lost Grandchildren and I was able to tell her the story of Harris and how things do get easier. I hope it helps her.

Longish post, simple message really , never forget how precious children are to both parents and grandparents and both parents and grandparents should remember how lucky they are to have them.

Brilliant mate