Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[Deleted member 28206]

my son is having his 5 year old today for the first time in a month

Christ thats hard, my daughter is staying about 3 nights a week now, so i'm feeling very fortunate.

Not to cast any of my own feelings over this, but i now live in a rented flat instead of a home i helped to buy and going from being a full time father to a dad that sees her when i am allowed/can/able is absolutely crushing, being a dad is supposed ( to me) be my life and 100% of what my motivation was, it now feels like i've been cut off from her life and i'm a part of her life when it is appropriate.

 

[Minimeister]

Have you ever gotten your wife what you thought was a nice birthday present but she was disappointed? That's what happened today. Spent a lot of money on concert tickets for her favorite songwriter, but she said that she was disappointed because the show is in a different city and I didn't work out the logistics about how to get there. I feel like a failure. My depression has really got a hold of me now. The sad thing is I bought the tickets knowing this may happen, but thought she might like them given that she has always wanted to see him in concert. What's the bloody point? Maybe she deserves someone better.

My wife and I have a long running joke that the presents we buy each other are awful most of the time, but we laugh about it mate, they're only material things and certainly not something to beat yourself up about. Don't feel like a failure ffs, I can promise you most men I know have done the same things plenty of times over so stop thinking there's someone better out there for her and remember the thought that went in to you buying them for her.

 

[wbn61]

Christ thats hard, my daughter is staying about 3 nights a week now, so i'm feeling very fortunate.

Not to cast any of my own feelings over this, but i now live in a rented flat instead of a home i helped to buy and going from being a full time father to a dad that sees her when i am allowed/can/able is absolutely crushing, being a dad is supposed ( to me) be my life and 100% of what my motivation was, it now feels like i've been cut off from her life and i'm a part of her life when it is appropriate.

if you ever need pm let me know. my son is living with us at the moment and think it's going to be a long while before overnight stays. It's nice to see my g/daughter again cheers me up a bit.

 

[wbn61]

Have you ever gotten your wife what you thought was a nice birthday present but she was disappointed? That's what happened today. Spent a lot of money on concert tickets for her favorite songwriter, but she said that she was disappointed because the show is in a different city and I didn't work out the logistics about how to get there. I feel like a failure. My depression has really got a hold of me now. The sad thing is I bought the tickets knowing this may happen, but thought she might like them given that she has always wanted to see him in concert. What's the bloody point? Maybe she deserves someone better.

maybe you deserve someone better?

 

[Ashtonian]

Have you ever gotten your wife what you thought was a nice birthday present but she was disappointed? That's what happened today. Spent a lot of money on concert tickets for her favorite songwriter, but she said that she was disappointed because the show is in a different city and I didn't work out the logistics about how to get there. I feel like a failure. My depression has really got a hold of me now. The sad thing is I bought the tickets knowing this may happen, but thought she might like them given that she has always wanted to see him in concert. What's the bloody point? Maybe she deserves someone better.

not to sound sexist but that is women for you.

I live with someone who is fussy and ungrateful at times as well yet it is in despite of this, it is the little things that i can appreciate about her rather than whether she is annoyed about a present. i mean she is the type of woman who wants 'anything' when you go the shop and you come back with the one thing she didn't want.

I don't mean to pry but perhaps is there more to the story than a present? Perhaps it might be helpful if you could let us know, only if you felt comfortable though. If this is just isolated or you have posted before then ignore me on that lol

but yeah, i can understand what is going on in your head and to be honest sometimes i get those thoughts in mine too. I put it down to the female effect though more than anything, trying to please them beyond their expectancy. certainly all presents are now announced in advance and despite complain i don't buy her anything, never wants what i buy her.

As i mentioned above if ther eis more to the story then i am interested to lend an ear so to speak and possibly chat more on it but as an isolated message, it suggests that it is just what women are like sometimes.

 

[Sennott Street]

not to sound sexist but that is women for you.

I live with someone who is fussy and ungrateful at times as well yet it is in despite of this, it is the little things that i can appreciate about her rather than whether she is annoyed about a present. i mean she is the type of woman who wants 'anything' when you go the shop and you come back with the one thing she didn't want.

I don't mean to pry but perhaps is there more to the story than a present? Perhaps it might be helpful if you could let us know, only if you felt comfortable though. If this is just isolated or you have posted before then ignore me on that lol

but yeah, i can understand what is going on in your head and to be honest sometimes i get those thoughts in mine too. I put it down to the female effect though more than anything, trying to please them beyond their expectancy. certainly all presents are now announced in advance and despite complain i don't buy her anything, never wants what i buy her.

As i mentioned above if ther eis more to the story then i am interested to lend an ear so to speak and possibly chat more on it but as an isolated message, it suggests that it is just what women are like sometimes.

Basically, my depression is the worst it's ever been. I love my wife. She's a breast cancer survivor and I want to show her how much I appreciate her. The problem is my depression prevents me from making decisions. There's that fear that I will choose the wrong option, and sure enough, that's what happened. She's right. I should have factored in all those things. It's just that the way I feel right now, it took all my focus just to decide to buy the tickets. She's been very supportive of me, but I cannot deal with negative thoughts right now.

 

[Durham Toffee]

Christ thats hard, my daughter is staying about 3 nights a week now, so i'm feeling very fortunate.

Not to cast any of my own feelings over this, but i now live in a rented flat instead of a home i helped to buy and going from being a full time father to a dad that sees her when i am allowed/can/able is absolutely crushing, being a dad is supposed ( to me) be my life and 100% of what my motivation was, it now feels like i've been cut off from her life and i'm a part of her life when it is appropriate.

Hearing this.

I went from being in her life every night; kissing her good night; reading her a story; tucking her in and being there to hug her tightly when she was poorly or when she woke because of a bad dream.

I see her three nights a week now. It kills me inside.

I hate going to sleep and peering into her bedroom and seeing it empty.

It makes my soul ache. I have no other way to describe it. It's an aching pain.

My daughter is the reason I breathe. I just try to make every second special when I get my days with her.

 

[wbn61]

if you ever need pm let me know. my son is living with us at the moment and think it's going to be a long while before overnight stays. It's nice to see my g/daughter again cheers me up a bit.

shows how much i'm in the loop, apparently he has got her for 3 days lol

 

[Ashtonian]

Basically, my depression is the worst it's ever been. I love my wife. She's a breast cancer survivor and I want to show her how much I appreciate her. The problem is my depression prevents me from making decisions. There's that fear that I will choose the wrong option, and sure enough, that's what happened. She's right. I should have factored in all those things. It's just that the way I feel right now, it took all my focus just to decide to buy the tickets. She's been very supportive of me, but I cannot deal with negative thoughts right now.

Ahh that's the rest of the story.

My heart can only go out to you both and certainly I have nothing but admiration for you both as it sounds like you have both been through a lot and have been a rock, especially yourself for your wife.

So on that note don't think you are disappointing her at all mate. Being by her side was amazing for her and without knowing her personally, would say that she would appreciate all that support you gave her during her fight. So presents take a second stance from that point on, although I can understand why you would put such importance on that.

How about instead of beating yourself up over the plans, make them instead? Surprise her by booking a b and b for the night and make a little romantic trip out of it. Turn what you think is short thinking into something special and the gesture will mean the world to her.

Hope I don't sound too enthusiastic about anything there, there is always positives even when you cant see them and by the sounds of it you have plenty there that at least hold on to.

 

[EvertonRhys]

Basically, my depression is the worst it's ever been. I love my wife. She's a breast cancer survivor and I want to show her how much I appreciate her. The problem is my depression prevents me from making decisions. There's that fear that I will choose the wrong option, and sure enough, that's what happened. She's right. I should have factored in all those things. It's just that the way I feel right now, it took all my focus just to decide to buy the tickets. She's been very supportive of me, but I cannot deal with negative thoughts right now.

It's one of the hardest things to do when your depression is showing isn't it mate- making decisions? As tough as it seems today though, that was a great decision to get those tickets IMO. You didn't choose the wrong option- you chose what you thought was right and by the sounds of it, it was thought full of love, so don't get beating yourself up about it at all. Her reaction was her reaction- that's her challenge- not yours.

I'm not going to pretend for one moment I understand women- I'm useless- but have you talked to her about it? Maybe she's going through a few other things at the moment, and the stress just meant she thought going elsewhere was a bit too much? Fully endorse what @Ashtonian suggested to be fair. Make it a great trip away and spoil her. Likewise, talk to her to ensure she knows how you feel and that way, you can both help to ensure you don't experience such anxiety making decisions like these. You made the right call. If you ever make a wrong call- it's for a reason. Take it easy bud.

 

[wbn61]

Ahh that's the rest of the story.

My heart can only go out to you both and certainly I have nothing but admiration for you both as it sounds like you have both been through a lot and have been a rock, especially yourself for your wife.

So on that note don't think you are disappointing her at all mate. Being by her side was amazing for her and without knowing her personally, would say that she would appreciate all that support you gave her during her fight. So presents take a second stance from that point on, although I can understand why you would put such importance on that.

How about instead of beating yourself up over the plans, make them instead? Surprise her by booking a b and b for the night and make a little romantic trip out of it. Turn what you think is short thinking into something special and the gesture will mean the world to her.

Hope I don't sound too enthusiastic about anything there, there is always positives even when you cant see them and by the sounds of it you have plenty there that at least hold on to.

my wife tries to do the same for me, and I react the same. not appreciative, wanting to do things myself, making her feel bad.

 

[Deleted member 28206]

Good luck to everyone over Father's Day weekend. If you are seeing your kids or not. It's simply one day allocated to Hallmark, we are a dad for the rest of the year too.


*joins fathers4justice

 

[Ashtonian]

my wife tries to do the same for me, and I react the same. not appreciative, wanting to do things myself, making her feel bad.

I guess it's natural instinct put the walls up and be independent.

I do it too, just the small things and gestures. Even when it comes to birthdays and Christmas, never need anything. When I needed help with my hand recently still felt bad needing it. I think it is those instances it's a measure of ourselves that we rise above it and go that extra effort. I believe so much of a relationship is not really what people express but what they don't. Sometimes offering that support or that little gesture can go a long way without ever really knowing it has. From my own experience, sometimes I don't always express it to my other half enough but i try.

 

[Ashtonian]

Think after previous posts on here I made a significant gesture today. Considering how terrible I normally am with these things, hell ask my own mother or other half haha.

But after around 12 months after getting in touch for the first time I sent a father's day card up to my dad. I can't fault his effort, coming down to see me in jan, sending presents for the kids and keeping in touch. So for me to send a card up to him is a big gesture from me and a big step towards any relationship we will have in the future. It's easy to talk over the phone or WhatsApp but yeah, finally making that move on my side as well. Hopefully the gesture will be realised enough.

 

[DualityNSNO]

As I said yesterday I'm in a bad mental state, despite all the working out and stuff - being jobless for the last 3 months despite actively looking really knocks the air out of me, and I had to ask my folks for money, which was something I'd not done in about 3 years (have a loan to pay back obviously, and used to have a job somehow).

In that time a mate of mine came over and we moved house and it hasn't really gone as swimmingly, but that's to be expected I guess. But straight to the point - I just need somewhere to vent and the person who I love (and ache for because we won't be together for a long time, but that's a story for another time) isn't here for me now as her friends threw her a surprise party, and I don't want to put a dampener on that like... Thing I wanted to write about is going to sound really stupid to many, but I need to vent/share.

I have a dog, as a lot of you here know. As stupid as it sounds, my dog is like my kid. It makes me unbelievably sad that I have to leave him at the care of my grandparents at my house back home, and I'm at my happiest and relaxed when I go back and can just go out to the yard and pet or play with him, go out for a walk for a few hours with him just going anywhere, not really any target or place to reach or anything. For the last few months (since his birthday in February, for which I was back home so he got loads of treats hah) he's been on-again-off-again sick, like really badly. I took him to the vet, we sorted him out with some injections and stuff like that, turned out he had a serious case of the flu basically and he was fine...

Thing is, that's back with a vengeance - he no longer wants to eat or go for walks or do anything, barely even gets excited, and it seems he might be on his way to the great green fields in the sky, even though I dread the thought, because he even started dragging his legs when walking... I feel gutted, to say the least, to not even be there or close to him when he needs me and might... go. Feel like absolute crap for it.

Rant over, sorry to take it away from the more serious topic earlier, but needed to share.