Worst person you've slept with

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steken1 said:
since when could you walk into a random takeaway and say' mind if I come behind your counter, and wash my cock' ????
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Strangely enough I didn't mention that I wanted to wash my cock. So I just ordered some food so I could then ask if I could use their toilet. I then made the long walk to Goodison as we were playing Chelsea in a night game.
 
Guys, thanks for the best laffs I've had in ages reading this whole thread, you've ruined my apple pie though. Forgot it was in the oven it was such a good read.
To add my two pennith..... House party many years ago, girlfriends friend came along, big munter, smelt a bit. Anyway student days we'd do anything to earn a bit, so we had a whip round n bet me mate to bang this horror. Party continued everyone slept where they fell. Next morning was woken by a mate telling me to go look in this bedroom...went along, no one in sight but was the scene of a massacre. No kidding blood on sheets, bedspread, frigging walls, even a hand print.
My mate had earned his food shop money...but had left the house for the morning to avoid the embarrasment.
 

Seamus Colemole said:
I was with this prositute in Bangkok once. We were getting down to it and i put my hand up her skirt and felt the old meat and two veg.

Then i thought, hang on i've paid my money and i'm gonna have something so i flip her over and fu







and funnily enough, it lands on its wheels, and it starts first time and they just drive away.
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Partridge gold!
 
Steve0 said:
Once pulled a lovely lady from Salford, she had this need to talk dirty but a mixture of her frankly comical accent and ineptness at this art form made for one of the least erotic experiences of my life.

She kept saying stuff like 'd'jer like mah pooseh?" "d'jer wannaeat mah pooseh".

Horrific.
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I'm crying here from laughing so hard and my son wants to know "what's so funny ??"

Now what?
 
Prevenger17 said:
I've been trying to recollect a story I could contribute to this thread but;
a) I haven't had sex with enough people for anything interesting to happen and
b) I'm just grateful to anyone that had sex with me. I wouldn't touch me with a ten foot clown pole.
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As Rodney Dangerfield once said, "My wife is so ugly she's got ten foot pole marks all over her."
 
SingBlue said:
Technically not the worst (she was actually very enjoyable), but up there with the worst experiences. I'd come up to Liverpool one Christmas from London and ended up going straight to some social club where me ma's works do was on. Didn't care, knew a few, so thought I'd get into the ale and see what transpired. I was in my mid-late 20s, and spotted a chick who I figured was 2-3 years older - petite, quite a stunner in her own way. Got chatting to her, boogie on the dancefloor, and end up leaving my bag with my ma to take back to her place, as "I'd pulled". (She was an understanding sort).

Anyway get back to this lass' place and it all starts to unravel. Turns out she thought I was mid-late 30s, and she was late 40s (divorced, no kids, sterilised <--- she felt she had to tell me that bit). Worse still, when she found out who my mother was that was an absolute no no. By this stage the ale had worn off, and she still looked fit, and no way her age, so I'm practically begging her to reconsider. In the end after a few coffees, I said I was leaving and to have a good Xmas and all that.. and as I walked to the door, she, despite her tiny frame, dragged me up the stairs into her bedroom.

This would've been fine, except she had this really irritating yappy little terrier that obviously didn't like me. And she refused to shut the little mutt out and insisted the bedroom door wasn't closed in case it upset him. In full horn mode I'd have agreed to just about anything and so was banging away quite merrily, boring missionary at first but thinking the next few hours were gonna see if she was as pliable as she was ploughable, when the hairy rat obviously mistook her cries for me attacking her and burst into the bedroom, leapt onto the bed and sank it's teeth right into my arse.

Suffice to say that was it, all over just as we'd got started. I swiped the little get off the bed, she got upset and I didn't need telling twice to go. Walk of shame at 6am with a bit of a limp.
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That rare case when having something "come back to bite you on the ass" is not just a figure of speech....
 
Worst person? Fun one, was this giirl i absolutely despised. She treated me like [Poor language removed] in school for years. One night i was hitting it off with her friend, she came in trying to be a douche for no reason to me. Friend suddenly gets a shift in attitude and leaves. Called the girl all sorts of names for being a prick for no reason. 20 minutes later i was smashing her in the bathroom. She says 'whatever you do, do NOT come on me'.



so i did. in her hair. she had to go back into the bar to get out with me all over her clothes and hair. Oddly enough she facebook friend'd me a few months ago. I declined lol.
 

Bit of a big bird, that all my mates had tried to pull just cos she had boss knockers. I was a better looks by chap when I was younger so a bit more fussy, hence I was nonplussed- she followed me into the bogs & blew me off. Barely made an effort smashing her. Finish off, & she starts crying her heart out. She's says she's never cheated on her hubby- then tells me what he does for a living (a doorman for a now closed but v.popular nightclub in town). I told her to leave. Other low points was not getting up during a winter outdoor blowie when I noticed the girl had a massive chin with a few stray hairs on it. I almost vomited on my cock. And leaving a skinny bird midcoitus as she had a shitload of horrible loose skin (must of had rapid weight loss)
Thankfully my ratio of attractive to mingers is about 40:5
 
DrEFC said:
I'm probably a rarity that I'm more likely to shag anything sober & get fussier the more drunk I am
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That is quite strange to be honest. I sometimes question the sanity of these absolute horrors. I mean when sober I wouldn't look twice at these backward looking, obese, fucktards with horrendous dress sense and the personal hygiene of Bigfoot. But the number of fat chicks that have turned me down over the years is staggering. I'm kind of big deal, I'd class myself as a 9 out of 10. I'd say 10 but I don't want to sound bigheaded. And yet they have the audacity to turn me down, just because I'm extremely drunk and have my penis hanging out. They should be honoured that a drunken idiot like me is even in the same bar as them. Anyways, Merry Christmas lads. Up the Toffees!
 
Fresh Prince of Belle Val said:
That is quite strange to be honest. I sometimes question the sanity of these absolute horrors. I mean when sober I wouldn't look twice at these backward looking, obese, fucktards with horrendous dress sense and the personal hygiene of Bigfoot. But the number of fat chicks that have turned me down over the years is staggering. I'm kind of big deal, I'd class myself as a 9 out of 10. I'd say 10 but I don't want to sound bigheaded. And yet they have the audacity to turn me down, just because I'm extremely drunk and have my penis hanging out. They should be honoured that a drunken idiot like me is even in the same bar as them. Anyways, Merry Christmas lads. Up the Toffees!
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If you have a vagina you're immediately at an advantage in the race to get your leg over.
 

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