Worst person you've slept with

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Kurt said:
Some of these stories are fantastic.....



I'd love to know how many are actually true ha ha
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I'd bet a few are. One of the funniest I'd heard of was actually from a girl I got to know at Uni. She was seeing a guy but those of us who knew her well knew she was a classic closeted carpet muncher. Anyway she'd stayed in touch with a girl from her school and eventually progressed things to a physical relationship. Thing is, she was into her bondage, and was round at her place once and - I don't know what game this is - but she was tied to an ironing board. Starkers.

They hear the key going in the door, and it seems the parents are back early from a weekend break. Panic ensues and the girl who's house it was decides to run off and hide in her room, despite my friend's desperate cries to un-tie her. Anyway the father walks into the living room, surveys the scene of my friend spreadeagled over the ironing board, and backs out and closes the door. (Pffft some bloke he is).

They stopped scissoring after that episode. Ironic it was an ironing board, cos I was creased up as she told me this in the pub one night.
 
Heard a story from a mate I used to work with. One of his mates had pulled this fit asian lady and brought him back to the hostel he was staying at. She insists that she wants it up the backdoor so he's obviously made up and goes at it. He reaches round the front to give her the old cheeky finger and finds a big stiff one. He was off his head on all kinds and looked at her face and decided she/he was still gorgeous and decided to toss him off and carry on!
 
Me and a mate spotted two of the fattest women I've ever seen out trying to dance. One of them was knackered after about 30 seconds of R.Kelly's bump n grind.

Anyway we've started calling them Earthquake and Typhoon after the wrestlers from back in the day. They came dancing over to us cos they'd seen us watching them and asked could they buy us a drink. I thought 'Feck that, being seen with these units' but said nah, we'll go back to yours for a bevy if ya want?. They did.

They had an apartment above ted baker on Matthew st, a duplex thingy were you could see the living room. The smokehouse thing is there now.

My one was massive but had a pretty face, his one was just massive. Anyway, I went up the bedroom and started ploughing away, he stayed downstairs in the bedroom there. After I'd finished I said I was going the toilet, sneaked me clobber up off the floor and crept towards the front door, which took me past the bedroom. I decided to have a little look in before I got off.

I could see my mate trying to lift her legs up over his shoulders, he was at it for abar 3 or 4 minutes and just gave up, she was too fat. In the end he tried again for one leg and got it over. I was made up for him.

He told me the next day that my fat one had came down and got in the bed with them. He's told me he told them to both bend over and cos they were that big one of them fell off the bed and made the loudest bang he's ever heard, he just got on the floor and boffed her there while her mate waited for her turn.

He got a sausage and egg barm and had a shower in the morning before he got off.
 

Banged a manc bird in malia years ago, who was decent but a complete barnpot. Should av read the signs when i got back to her room and she started whingeing saying she was missing her fella when i was fingering her. I got up and said im [Poor language removed] off, not listening to this, so she stopped and said no im just feeling guilty. Anyway, eventually got into her and quickly realised i wasnt gonna jizz coz i was far too pissed so ploughed away for a while and she told me to jizz on her and not up her (i was bareback as neither of us had any noddy's). When she realised i wasnt gonna jizz even if i stayed there all night she went [Poor language removed] apeshit and started throwing digs at me.

Couldnt get out of there quick enough. And 2 days later we were in the airport waiting to go home, and there she was, she was on our flight. The daggers she was giving me in the departure lounge ive never seen the likes, i was waiting for her to try and stab me or something. My mates thought it was hilarious.
 


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